As a coach, I am often struck by the critical role of language and our use/abuse of words in everyday exchanges. While we may not consider the way we talk to be “violent,” words often lead to hurt and pain, whether for others or ourselves. I also think that the clearer we are about what we want, the more likely it is that we’ll get it. 

After reading Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication- A Language of Life, I was inspired to take a course in Compassionate Communication, (NVC) offered by the Open Center.

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A few weeks ago I was flying back from Boston to NYC. When I checked in at Delta with some time to spare, the agent asked me if I wanted to get on an earlier flight. With a little legwork, I caught the 3:30pm and was home in my apartment in less than 90 minutes. Upon reflection, I was thinking about how pleased I was with this unexpected outcome. I had no expectations of getting home hours ahead of schedule, so when it happened it gave me a little rush. A happy ending and I felt great.

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Remember what it was like to start in a new job? The rumbling butterflies in your stomach, the sweaty palms, the fixed whatever-you-need grin. I was reminded of this last night when our waitress took our orders at the Bowery Ballroom. This girl was absolutely beautiful, and as she apologized profusely for not knowing the menu, I could feel her discomfort and overwhelming need to please.  “This is my first day,” she confessed with a nervous smile. We joked a little to put her at ease, and you know what? She was terrific! Throughout the evening, this girl worked her ass off, never once looking tired or like she didn’t want to be there.

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One of my clients, Joe, recently confessed to me that he told a cousin who was visiting from out of town, that he had plans to be in Alaska. A little “white lie” in order to avoid the obligatory “let’s get together”. Instead of coming clean and sharing the truth (that Joe didn’t feel like meeting up while his relative was in town), he hid behind this elaborately drawn fiction. Another of my clients, Kim, shared that she is scared to ask for a raise because she thinks her boss will fire her. Kim even refused to inquire about her annual review, as she feels that she is bound to fail.

Are there times when you want to speak up, but don’t? Do you often say "yes" when you mean "no"? Are you embarrassed by praise or crushed by criticism? Does it often feel as though you live your life for other people?

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I traveled to Miami last weekend to run the ING Half Marathon. The race starts at 6:15am and although I was battling a cold and my body wasn’t acclimated to the humid temps, I managed to mentally push through and complete the event before the 2 hour mark. When I crossed the finish line I gave myself a good pat on the back. I do this quite often. If I surmount a challenge or stare down a fear, I pay attention to what I’ve done well and acknowledge myself for it. Sometimes, I hear myself say, “’atta girl” when I have pushed through an obstacle that might otherwise have stopped me.  

I didn’t win the race, or even come close to placing in my age category. But I lined up and I finished. And that to me is worth celebrating. When you think about it, we receive thousands of hours of criticism each year from our friends, our bosses, sometimes even our families. For most adults, negative feedback far outweighs the positive. But it is crucial if we are going to reach peak performance in anything – or simply just live a happy life – that we give ourselves credit, where credit is due.

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