I traveled to Miami last weekend to run the ING Half Marathon. The race starts at 6:15am and although I was battling a cold and my body wasn’t acclimated to the humid temps, I managed to mentally push through and complete the event before the 2 hour mark. When I crossed the finish line I gave myself a good pat on the back. I do this quite often. If I surmount a challenge or stare down a fear, I pay attention to what I’ve done well and acknowledge myself for it. Sometimes, I hear myself say, “’atta girl” when I have pushed through an obstacle that might otherwise have stopped me.  

I didn’t win the race, or even come close to placing in my age category. But I lined up and I finished. And that to me is worth celebrating. When you think about it, we receive thousands of hours of criticism each year from our friends, our bosses, sometimes even our families. For most adults, negative feedback far outweighs the positive. But it is crucial if we are going to reach peak performance in anything – or simply just live a happy life – that we give ourselves credit, where credit is due.

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In 2000, I attended a conference for business innovators entitled CRAVE where Tom Peters was the keynote speaker. He opened up the session in his typical energized style. Since that time, I’ve followed Tom’s work and that of his tribe, including Tim Sanders.

Tim is a man on a mission. His job, or some say calling, is spreading the word about corporate social responsibility. If a company is committed to social responsibility, they ask Tim to ratchet up participation and innovation. If a company wants to improve relationships both inside and outside the company, they bring Tim in to talk about how to do it.

I haven’t heard Tim speak “live” yet, but I have read and enjoyed his book, Love Is The Killer App. Tim’s message, “If you want to fix your future, start by fixing yourself. In the face of war and recession, what the business world needs is less greed -- and more love.” He argues that now more than ever, the road to prosperity is paved with a commitment to generosity. Tim professes that the most powerful force in business is love. It's what will help your company grow and become stronger. It's what will propel your career forward. It's what will give you a sense of meaning and satisfaction in your work. Tim Sanders’ (TS) spirit is infectious and genuine. Here are a few further doses from the heart:

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Have you ever had one of those mornings where nothing seems to go your way? You miss the train because some knucklehead has jammed the ticket machine with bubblegum. Someone cuts you off in traffic, causing you to miss your exit. The bus pulls away just as you reach the stop, the rear wheels splashing your brand new suit with a lovely stripe of dirty slush. I’ve personally been in all three circumstances, and in the moment, it’s hard not to feel angry.

Then the blame game begins: “If it weren’t for that tourist fumbling at the token booth, I could have caught the subway on time.” “Reckless drivers should be banned from the road. They ruin it for everyone!” You imagine giving that bus driver a piece of your mind, should you ever see him again. “I know he saw me,” you tell yourself.  “And still he closed the door in my face. What a jerk!”

You haven’t even reached work yet, and already you’re exhausted. Emotional responses like these can become habitual – if we’re not careful. But here’s the thing: you cannot control the ticket vending machine, traffic, or who drives the bus – but you ARE in command of your emotional response to these situations as they arise. Do not give away your power to people or situations over which you have no control. Be an actor, not a reactor.

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One of my clients, (we’ll call him “Tony”), recently shared frustrations about his work situation. He was demoralized in the wake of a presentation that his boss felt was below par. Tony felt he had put a lot of work into preparing for this event, and the result of all this effort resulted in a lowly “C” grade from his manager, when he expected an “A.” Naturally, Tony felt discredited and disheartened. After a painful post-mortem with his boss, he went immediately online to search for another opportunity. With his ego bruised and his confidence shot, a new job seemed like the only sensible solution. Sound familiar?

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There are certain conversations we all dread: the ones in which we have to deliver bad news, discuss a sensitive or "political" subject, or talk about a project that's gone wrong. Have you ever recognized too late that a client was frustrated because you failed to resolve an issue?  Or perhaps spent time cleaning up in the aftermath of a discussion that didn’t go according to plan? In a polite society, we are generally hardwired to avoid confrontation. Nobody wants to play the bad guy or have a situation blow up in their face. But often the cost of NOT having these conversations can be far costlier than the temporary discomfort you may feel. You want to take charge and talk about it – candidly and effectively. But how??

One of the best business books I've read on this subject is Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott (SS). In this book, she provides the tools we all need to master the art of “difficult” conversations.

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