Over the past few weeks, I’ve been following Esther Perel, author of Mating In Captivity around NYC. Born and raised in Belgium, Esther is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private psychotherapy practice in New York. People come to see her when they have an issue in their relationship. Often, they miss the feeling of connection, playfulness, and renewal that sex allows them. 
In her talks, Esther invites her audience to join her in very frank conversations. She is interested in sexuality as a lens into a person’s needs and wants. Her bold, provocative new take on intimacy grapples with some of the obstacles that can arise when our need for secure love conflicts with our pursuit of passion. This tension of “opposites” forms the basis of her book and her therapeutic practice.
For most of us, love is about security, consistency and stability. Passion, on the other hand, is often about risk, danger and transgression. Love is often about caretaking. But erotic desire is selfish – it doesn’t want anything to do with caretaking. Love is about certainty and trust. But passion is connected to the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate. Loving another without losing the very essence of ourselves – this is the central dilemma of intimacy. Is it even possible to have both love and passion?
Entries Tagged as 'Make The Time'
Ever notice just how much better you are able to think after a break of some sort, especially where you haven't dwelled on work for a while? As Steve Jobs has said, "Sometimes when you're almost asleep, you realize something you wouldn't otherwise have noted."
It turns out there is now some very good science that explains the value, importance and function of a mental rest. In particular, the research relates to our ability to have insights, the 'aha' moment when something that didn't make sense suddenly becomes clear. Research shows that we tend to solve about 60% of our problems in this fashion. This involves finding a sudden solution, that you can't really explain. It's non-linear problem solving, and it's the way we unravel a lot of complex problems. So if you want to unravel a really tough problem, it's useful to tackle things when our mind is still.
I often find that my clients complain of not “having time.” I think that the sheer speed of modern life and their extreme future-mindedness sneaks up on them and robs them of the present. I believe this because I used to suffer from the feeling myself. I was doing more and doing it faster, only to then categorize any hours that were unscheduled as a waste. One book, Timeshifting, by Stephan Rechtschaffen, M.D. helped me to recognize this pattern and re-define my relationship with time. I came to learn that doing more, doesn’t always translate into living more fully. I recently asked Stephan to elaborate on his premise of shifting the way we think about time as we realize that every moment is filled with rhythms and possibilities that we could not otherwise imagine.
It takes time to get a business up and running. It also takes time to learn how to work smarter, vs. harder. All the while, we need to make space on our calendars for connecting with others, caring for our families and tending to our homes. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. So why do some people seem to accomplish so much more? I asked my mentor, Michele Woodward, Master Certified Coach, successful author, advice columnist, speaker, teacher, mother and friend, how she “makes the time.”
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