I traveled to Miami last weekend to run the ING Half Marathon. The race starts at 6:15am and although I was battling a cold and my body wasn’t acclimated to the humid temps, I managed to mentally push through and complete the event before the 2 hour mark. When I crossed the finish line I gave myself a good pat on the back. I do this quite often. If I surmount a challenge or stare down a fear, I pay attention to what I’ve done well and acknowledge myself for it. Sometimes, I hear myself say, “’atta girl” when I have pushed through an obstacle that might otherwise have stopped me.  

I didn’t win the race, or even come close to placing in my age category. But I lined up and I finished. And that to me is worth celebrating. When you think about it, we receive thousands of hours of criticism each year from our friends, our bosses, sometimes even our families. For most adults, negative feedback far outweighs the positive. But it is crucial if we are going to reach peak performance in anything – or simply just live a happy life – that we give ourselves credit, where credit is due.

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Over five years ago I attended a women’s surf camp in Mexico where I met my now dear friend, Kendra. It’s her birthday this month and over cake, we were reminiscing about the comedy surrounding the trip. Neither of us graduated from the camp with a Laird Hamilton medal, but we did find one thing true: wiping out while riding waves is pure bliss. We spent the week together with tears streaming down our faces as we laughed at ourselves. We both realized how fun the sport was, especially if you’re not good at it. Getting pounded by surf as we paddled out and tried to talk, caused us to drink most of Sayulita bay. I went into the trip wanting to sharpen my skills but soon realized that the best surfer is truly the one having the most fun. 

When I ask my clients, “Are there any activities in which you now participate that cause you to lose track of time?” most have to stop and think about it. If the individual is looking to fill their leisure time, brainstorm new ways to get motivated around exercise, or simply longing to lighten up, I try to appeal to their sense of fun. But it isn’t always easy to find. 

What happens to our play on our way to becoming adults?

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Over the past few weeks, I’ve been following Esther Perel, author of Mating In Captivity around NYC. Born and raised in Belgium, Esther is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a private psychotherapy practice in New York. People come to see her when they have an issue in their relationship. Often, they miss the feeling of connection, playfulness, and renewal that sex allows them. 

In her talks, Esther invites her audience to join her in very frank conversations. She is interested in sexuality as a lens into a person’s needs and wants. Her bold, provocative new take on intimacy grapples with some of the obstacles that can arise when our need for secure love conflicts with our pursuit of passion. This tension of “opposites” forms the basis of her book and her therapeutic practice.

For most of us, love is about security, consistency and stability. Passion, on the other hand, is often about risk, danger and transgression. Love is often about caretaking. But erotic desire is selfish – it doesn’t want anything to do with caretaking. Love is about certainty and trust. But passion is connected to the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate. Loving another without losing the very essence of ourselves – this is the central dilemma of intimacy. Is it even possible to have both love and passion?

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As a career and life and career coach, people will come to see me for all kinds of reasons.  It is a privileged position to be in. They share their personal hopes and dreams, their business goals and aspirations.  Sometimes people just need an ear to listen, or to feel they are not alone in what they are going through. One of the reasons I enjoy this work is that the stories are as diverse as the people themselves.

But if there was one common theme that I see in a lot of these stories – it is the struggle that many of us have for self- acceptance. Self esteem. Why do so many of us think a lot less of ourselves than others do?
As I pondered this question, I reflected back on some answers that my former local parish priest, Fr. Frank McNulty, once gave in a homily. He message bears repeating:

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Ever notice just how much better you are able to think after a break of some sort, especially where you haven't dwelled on work for a while? As Steve Jobs has said, "Sometimes when you're almost asleep, you realize something you wouldn't otherwise have noted."

It turns out there is now some very good science that explains the value, importance and function of a mental rest. In particular, the research relates to our ability to have insights, the 'aha' moment when something that didn't make sense suddenly becomes clear. Research shows that we tend to solve about 60% of our problems in this fashion. This involves finding a sudden solution, that you can't really explain. It's non-linear problem solving, and it's the way we unravel a lot of complex problems. So if you want to unravel a really tough problem, it's useful to tackle things when our mind is still.

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